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Smut Yr Mouth: Dirty Talk Like a Rhetorician

In honor of National Sex Education Day on February 2nd, let me educate you about some sex stuff. Like talking dirty and talking about talking dirty the no-cliche RhetoricLee Speaking way. (Apparently I’m in the mood to rhyme to-day).

Now, not everyone likes the descriptor “dirty” talk. It can seem belittling and patriarchal and threatening. IF those things turn you on, great. But if they don’t, call it something else. Likesexy talk! That’s nice and non-threatening. I call it “explicit talk” because that’s what it is. Unfortunately that description…not very sexy. 

Before we dive in, let me tell you a little bit about who this episode is for. It is for people who are excited about the idea of dirty talk, or sexy talk, or explicit talk, but have no idea how to start or aren’t sure if their partner is receptive or have had a bad experience or been turned off by stereotypes in the media. It is for people whose sex life has gotten stale but role playing and expensive toys and one-size-fits-all costumes seems overwhelming, expensive, and just, like, a lot of work. 

It’s for people who have fantasies about different sex acts–doing it in the butt, group sex, being ravaged by a sexy, androgynous pirate–but don’t necessarily want to do the actual acts. Maybe group sex is a hot fantasy but in reality terrifying and very unsafe. Maybe you have hemmerhoids and butt sex is just off the table. Maybe you don’t have access to a pirate, let alone a sexy one.

Like any kind of speech, sexy talk is amazing because it can create an experience in your mind that isn’t necessarily happening in an actual physical act. When it comes to sex, we are way too obsessed with the acts. Because the act sells. You gotta buy costumes and toys and porn and so on. And you also get to sit in your house, masturbating alone, thinking about how your partner won’t blah blah blah– self-loathing for feeling that way and buying shit to try and feel better.

But sexy talk is free. Sexy talk can bring any experience you would like to have in the whole world right into your brain so you can enjoy all of the sensations and titillations without ever having to spend a dollar or open a butt crack. And all you need is a sex vocabulary, a little bit of courage to talk about it, and your big beautiful imagination.

I feel like I’m in Willy Wonka and the Sex Factory…

The more you let yourself imagine crazy sex scenarios and different sex acts but not need to DO them to be satisfied, the more you loosen your repressive bonds. 

Let’s take the being-ravaged-by-a-hot-pirate-scenario. You notice I said “ravaged.” You may have heard the term r-a-p-e fantasy. I don’t use that label because I don’t believe you can fantasize about an experience that is a fundamental violation of your personhood. But I do believe you can have ravage fantasies.

When I tell people that, they often feel SO much better. Because they felt gross and guilty and kind of fucked up when the only label they had is a word that I try not to even say out loud. But then they get introduced to a “ravage” fantasy–which conjures long-haired beautiful people on the cover of Harlequin romance novels I used to sneak read at my grandma’s house—and then you get to have your cake and eat it too…

out of the tight pink asshole of a beautiful pirate captain while she moans softly and drips with pleasure

Now, I’m sure you had a very specific reaction to that sentence. It’s important we open a dialogue here. You could be feeling a few things. 

You could be feeling just straight disbelief that I even said that. But it’s episode 19…we’ve gotta be past that by now. 

You might be feeling upset. Genuinely upset. If that’s the case, I would turn off the episode. It’s not going to get worse than that but it is going to hang out in that general area. I am not judging you. Nothing is wrong with you. A million things could be going on. But trust your gut. Dirty talk should always feel hot after you sort through the feelings of “I shouldn’t like this,” “I don’t know how they’ll react,” “Am I doing this right?” “Are they going to expect me to actually get on a pirate ship?” When you sift through that, there should be a core of titillating hotness. So maybe bail for now. You can always revisit later. Or speed read the blog version over at rhetoriclee.com. 

Maybe you’re feeling menh. You’re just legitimately not into eating ass or having your ass eaten. No shame. No shock. Just not your thing. If so, hopefully I can manage to push your buttons later. But know that most of my examples have to do with eating booty. It’s the most gender neutral, non-threatening, anti-penetrative act I could think of while still staying in the realm of the risque, the taboo, the X-rated. But you might have a different thing, like feet straight from a stocking. Or having someone piss in your mouth. I’ll dip a toe in that water as well, just to keep it spicy.

Don’t let the nouns distract you. Just swap in whatever nouns DO excite you. Focus on my sentence structure, adjectives, and general style of communication. I’m not going to be able to hit the right button to turn on every listener. There’s like five hundred of you. I don’t know what you’re into.

Finally, you may be feeling a combination of a lot of things. A smidge taken aback. A touch curious. A bit turned on. Unsure if you’re turned on. But you had sensations, that’s for sure. You’re feeling some kind of way about that sentence. You might want me to say that sentence again, maybe a few more like it. Just to see how it feels. Just to see where this is headed. If that’s the case…

Welcome to dirty talking. Or sexy talking. Or explicit talking.

Whatever you call it, you now know how to do it! It’s all in having a really great sex vocabulary and being willing to cross, but not pole vault over, some language boundaries. 

Let’s do a quick rundown of what made the sentence work. But this time let me say it as if you and I were actually doing the horizontal mambo. Which means switching from “pirate captain” to first and second person nouns.

Here’s the sentence: I want to eat cake out of your tight pink asshole while you moan and drip with pleasure

Now, you might need to make some adjustments for adjectives. But “tight” and “pink” are good standbyes. I personally wouldn’t say the “moan” part but I’m not a beginner. And “drip” is a solid verb but maybe weird for your anatomy. Still, you’ve got a good starter sentence with a nice combo of pushing boundaries and good old softcore sweetness.

And you can turn into a formula.

Step one: Start with a “I want to…”

You could try other versions as well such as “I like it when…” or “I’ve always fantasized about…” 

You can also flip it to be about your partner. “I want you to…” “I like it when you…” “I have always fantasized about you…”

To get good at dirty talk, you actually have to practice making these sentences when you’re not with another person. You can make them in your head during sex, you can brainstorm them in a notebook to help the awkward silence pass during Bridgerton sex scenes. More on that later. But no matter how you do it, you have to practice. Because if you don’t have lots of variations and practice putting them together, you’re never going to actually get them out of your mouth in the boudoir or on the living room couch or in the back of your Dodge Caravan.

Step two: add a verb, in this case, “eat.” You could also try lick, suck, smack, grind, rub, and caress.

Do not write like you’re a 19th century romance novelist. We’re not doing “fondled her throbbing womanhood” here. Unless that is your particular kink. Otherwise, use words that regular 21st century humans use. 

Step three: add your body part: asshole, mouth, feet, pussy, eyes, slit, hands, cock, legs. I would exercise caution here. Not every person wants their gonads referred to as “pussy” but also if that is what they want and you say “vagina” like you’re giving them a pap smear, it’s a mood killer. We’ll circle back to this later.

Step four: add some very descriptive adjectives to your body part. Try pink, wet, hard, hot, and tight. No generic adjectives. No awesome. No cool. You may have the adjective “amazing” but only if you mean it. As in, “you have such an amazing ass.” 

And, if you’d like an optional step five, liberally sprinkle in some curse words. As you may recall from episode 7, I am a lover of the f-word in particular. But I’m curbing f-words for this particular discussion because I’m already terrified about what’s happening on the other end of the Internet right now. 

The formula raises some questions: How do you know if your partner likes a liberal sprinkling of f-words? Or a bit of banter about a lick ‘o the booty? A touch o’ chatter about some T in the A? How do you know if they want their bodacious ta-tas referred to as boobs or bobbles or tits or breasts or fun bags? (For the record: it’s never the last one).

You could just ask them. “Hey babe, what do you like me to call your boobs when we’re doing it?” If you aren’t there yet in your level of communication, you can try dropping the word in casual conversation and see what happens. “Hey you’ve got some ketchup on your titties.” If the person you’re talking to doesn’t want you calling their caramel love mounds “titties,” well, you’ll know. Then you can say, “j/k” and file the word away under the category “do not use during sex.” 

Now, this is where the whole “politically correct” complication comes in. I’ll say this. Your sexy talk between yourself and a partner is different than how you might casually refer to someone’s body in a public setting. You need different ways of speaking for different contexts. Welcome to being an adult with a brain.

For some people, sexy talk is all about breaking every rule and norm and boundary. Words they would never use in public are precisely the words they want in bed. But some people like soft sweet adoring gentle words and that is their kink. And that’s great too.

For example, the boyfriend in the first season of Katherine Ryan’s The Duchess on Netflix. Katherine is like me, just dropping “cum on my tits” in the same sentence as “vacuum cleaner” like it ain’t no thing. I bet her dirty talk game is on point. But her boyfriend at the start of the season is a nice dude. And he just wants to be told he’s nice. That’s his kink.

Katherine Ryan The Duchess

That silence you heard toward the end was the boyfriend’s orgasm, by the way. Although whoever wrote this scene has clearly never had someone ejaculate on their back BECAUSE YOU DON’T JUST LAY DOWN AND ROLL OVER IN IT.

Anyway, there’s no shame in being Katherine Ryan or in being the boyfriend. Different strokes for different folks. All bodies are beautiful. All sex is beautiful as long as its consensual.

But if you’re not communicating with one another then you don’t know if your person is the boyfriend or a Katherine Ryan or a me or if they’re Adam Sandler and Emma Watson from Punch Drunk Love:

Punch Drunk Love Adam Sandler Emily Watson

If you are either unwilling or unable for some reason to just ask the person with whom you are doing the naughty tango, best to aim for middle territory. Don’t aim for the hardcore stuff just because that’s what you want. But also don’t softcore it because you’re worried about upsetting someone or you won’t get anywhere. Medium-core it.

Let’s look at some other medium-core examples using my now patent pending formula.

Tonight I’m going (start) to slip off your stockings (verb + fun noun) and run (verb) my tongue (body part) in between your sweaty toes (body part + adjective)

See that one did nothing for me. But I know it would do something for a foot person because the formula works. 

And if I were with a foot person, I would flip it to be about them, “slip off my stockings and watch you run your tongue in between my sweaty toes”

Let’s try one more…

I’ve always fantasized about lying underneath you while you drip a stream of warm piss right into my mouth

HEY DON’T JUDGE ME. I CAN FEEL YOU JUDGING ME RIGHT NOW. I’m trying to help you loosen up and have a hot time in the sack. If you don’t want my help, go away. Otherwise, don’t put your weird hangups on me. I don’t want them. The one thing I’ve got going for me is an utter lack of sex shame. So I’m certainly not accepting any from someone who probably hasn’t even reviewed my goddamn podcast yet!

And there you have it. A formula for talking dirty that can be used by anyone. Starter phrase + verb + body part + adjective and you can throw in some fun verbs like “cake” and “stockings” to spice up the situation. You can also take some of the spice out by just describing what is happening in the moment. “Your tongue feels so good licking my nipples” will always get the job done.

Pro Tip: adjectives are really the game changer. People think it’s the verb and the body part that makes dirty talk. What you’re doing and where you’re going to do it. But really it’s the adjectives. 

“I love it when you lick my nipples” is a solid starter sentence. Then it gets repetitive. That’s where the adjectives come in. “I love it when you lick my nipples. They get so hard and pink.”

Adjectives baby. Adjectives.

Alright, now let’s put it into practice. We’re going to listen to the world’s most boring sex scene from the Netflix series Bridgerton. Quick overview: he’s a philandering young Duke of hotness and she is the sassy virgin who melted his frozen heart all the way to the altar. And they are finally, after the world’s shortest engagement, hitting the sack. 

Solid dirty talk when he asks her “remember what we talked about–you touching yourself.” A+. But that’s not a beginner move. That’s a G move that only happens when you have the perfect stereotype combination of “naive but sexually unrepressed virgin prince” and “Don Juan with a heart of gold.” You’re not pulling off a “touch yourself in front of me” move as a beginner. 

But you can try our formula and do something like, “I’ve always wanted you to watch me touch myself.” See what kind of reception you get. 

The problem is then the scene gets SO awkward. It’s like, “Hey asshole I’m over here touching myself and you’re just wordlessly mouth breathing.” You’ve got to keep the action going. That’s where our formula comes in.

So think about sentences that either one of them COULD have said. She could have said, “do you like watching me slip my fingers over my swollen clit.” She wouldn’t have said that–it’s not in her character–but HE certainly could have said it! 

And when he asks, “what do you want?” What could she have said? What kind of prompts could he, being the far more comfortable of the two, have given? “I want you” is great if you’re writing a romance. But this is supposed to be hot sex. I need a little something extra. He could have asked, “do you want me to slip a finger inside you? Do you want me to put it in my mouth?” She could have also asked for those things.

But that’s the failure of mainstream media. No linguistic imagination. No effort to the writing. They perpetuate the myth that it’s all about the act. That the act is the hot part. The act is not the hot part. The hot part is using your words to turn “just sex” into “total hotness.” 

And there you have it. You are now officially graduated from Smut Yr Mouth academy. Your certificates are in the mail after you review the podcast.

But before I let you go, let me address two obstacles that are likely to come up. Because let’s be honest, if talking dirty were as easy as I say it is, you wouldn’t need this podcast.

Situation A: your partner isn’t receptive to dirty talk or at least not in the way you’d like. Situation B: you know the formula but cannot, for the life of you, come up with any nouns, verbs, or adjectives to try.

The solution for both of these problems is the internet. Specifically, https://www.weshouldtryit.com/

That is We Should Try It dot com

It’s an online quiz about sexual fantasies that you share with your partner so they can take the quiz by themselves away from your needy sexual fantasies. J/K. J/K.

The genius of the quiz is that it ONLY RETURNS THE RESULTS that you both share. And it has a medium and advanced set of questions so you don’t have to go too crazy, too soon. It also gives you the list of questions right up front, so even if you don’t want to actually take the quiz with your partner–although you should–you can still look at the questions to drum up some main courses for your dirty talk buffet.

In the “Basic/Vanilla” category (which by the way is a shitty judgment that you should not internalize) you’ll see that only a few questions explicitly relate to dirty talk. They are:

  • Watch porn together–hmm, defs interested
  • Show partner how I like something from porn scene–possibly. As long as it isn’t Bridgerton.
  • Be shown what partner likes from porn–yes if it’s ethically sourced and paid-for porn and not gross sex trafficked free internet porn
  • Be more vocal towards partner during sex–absolutely
  • Have partner be more vocal–if they know the formula
  • Talk dirtier to partner–dirtiER? Not sure that’s possible.
  • Have partner talk dirtier to me–maybe. Unclear how this is different from “have partner by more vocal”
  • Call partner obscene words (bitch, slut, whore, etc)–sure, if they’re into it. Would not be my preference
  • Be called obscene words (bitch, slut, whore, etc) by partner–umm, only if they mean it in like the adorable RuPaul way not in the demeaning burn-the-witch kind of way

Unfortunately, a lot of these questions are about the ACT of sex. Not ideal for those of us who want more dirty talking but not necessarily more dirty doing. And, the questions that are about talking present a somewhat exploitative and violent version of what sexy talk can look like. 

I don’t necessarily want to be called “obscene” words during sex. Why is that my only option? Why can’t I be called or call my partner sexy princess names? Why can’t I be adoringly complimented on my voluptuous, moist, quivering body? Why can’t  my partner express interest in describing in detail to me their wildest fantasy?

Apparently what I need to do is write a dirty talk sex quiz but I ain’t got time for that. 

So we will use what we have. At the very least, there’s no shortage of food for fantasy thought. And, most importantly, it will open up a dialogue with your partner. Just be clear: if you’re taking the quiz for fantasizing purposes and not because you’re into the act, you should preface by saying that. 

I would just tell my partner: yo, I want to do this list together but just to be clear I’m interested in us exploring our fantasies so we can talk about them to add a racy edge to our missionary-on-Wednesdays-and-some-hand-stuff-on-the-weekends sex life. NOT because I necessarily want to do any of this shit.

If this quiz were really good it would have a second set of questions for each question: you wanna talk about it or be about it? Both are fine. But it would be nice if that were clearly expressed. But like the rest of the world, this quiz is bad at rhetoric and that is why you have me. 

Now what if you’ve got a partner who is just a no? Won’t take the quiz. Shits on everything on the quiz. Has judgments about you even wanting to take the quiz?
That does not mean your quest for dirty talk is over. Although I would consider why you’re with a partner who sexually shames you. 

But some partners just can’t get there. And that’s okay. Sexual repression is very, very real. Patriarchy is very, very real. And, as we get older, vaginal dryness, impotence, stress-induced fragility (I know, it’s a gross medical term but it’s what it’s called) are very, very real. 

Well, here’s the thing about dirty talk. You don’t need a partner to do it. You can do it, right in your own head. Then it’s just called sexy thinking. And you can start your sexy thinking well before you get your 12 minutes of quiet missionary on Wednesday. You can read yourself a little erotic fiction. You can replay an encounter in your head using any of the 5,899 scenarios available to you on the sexy stuff quiz. Don’t wait around for someone else to make your sexual fantasy happen for you. You can do it right now, for yourself.

In the end, that is the best sex ed I can give you. To pervert a quote that was never by Ghandi in the first place as I discussed in Ep 18: Be the sexy that you want to see in the world. 

And remember, rhetoric nerds, that consent is sexy but the best consent is sexy consent. 

No go review my podcast because I just said “piss in my mouth” publicly on the internet for you. Because I care enough to give my very best.

rhetoriclee
rhetoriclee

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